Life’s not Fair and 6 Other No Bull-#$*% Facts of Life

Ever heard of a bad beat? If you’re not a poker player, you probably haven’t. A bad beat is when a player with a dominating hand loses to a player with a weaker hand because they were dealt a specific card.

Most people think poker players remember the big hands they won, but it’s the opposite, they remember with amazing accuracy the bad beats. Go to any poker game, and it won’t take long before the bad beat stories come out. 

Check out this video to see a perfect example of a bad beat:

https://youtu.be/PbYh2gSlHuM?si=MaIm3xHXje3pB4eG

The worst bad beat is like the video above, when the other guy needs one specific card on the river to win, because the odds of a player hitting the perfect card is only 2.2%. 

I’ve played a lot of poker, and I can tell you a bad beat feels like getting punched in the stomach. Why does it hurt so much? Because, you’ve played the hand perfectly and now you have a 98.2% chance of winning, then the miracle card is dealt and you lose. 

In other words, it’s not fair that you lost. 

We don’t like it when life’s not fair but it’s a fact of life that’s as certain as water being wet. The sooner we as men come to grips with that fact, the less time we’ll spend being miserable. 

There are actually 7 no-bullshit facts of life that all men need to come to grips with to avoid being miserable. 

7 No-Bullshit Facts of Life

  1. You’re not the center of the universe
  2. There are no shortcuts to weight loss, getting in shape, getting out of debt, raising great kids, having an awesome marriage, or building a successful business.
  3. Life is not fair
  4. The government is not the answer to your problems. They can only provide a temporary, substandard bandaid.
  5. Nothing is free. If you didn’t pay for it, some else did, whether they wanted to or not.
  6. If you broke, you ain’t busy
  7. Every man must eventually learn how to solve his own problem

Those 7 facts are as certain as gravity, so learn how to leverage them to become the best version of yourself instead of wasting your life complaining how tough your life is. 

How to Deal with Conflict at Work

Workplace conflicts can be serious or silly. Here’s a hilarious story from Buzzfeed about a minor situation that got out of hand: 

“Someone kept on stealing my food, so I put laxatives in it. Apparently, the guy had a huge meeting and spent it in the bathroom the entire time; serves that dumb ass right. He came up to me, threatening to tell HR. I shrugged my shoulders, said I was constipated, and didn’t expect someone else to eat my food.”

Guys, that’s not the best way to handle a conflict at work, but it does show the lengths people will go to when a dispute isn’t resolved.

You can be the nicest, most agreeable guy in the world, but you still won’t be able to dodge getting involved in a dispute at work. If conflicts are as certain as death and taxes, you need to learn how to deal with it instead of avoiding it. That’s why I want to teach you a few skills on dealing with them as soon as possible.  

You need to develop these skills because the stakes are high when it comes to dealing with conflict. Get it wrong, and you’ll miss out on promotions, and it might even cost you your job. 

Dee’s Threes

Yank off the Band-aid! 

When I was little, I hated taking off a band-aid. I tried to do it slowly because I thought that was the least painful way. I eventually learned that doing it quickly hurt less and got it over with quicker. That same principle applies to dealing with conflict.

Don’t wait. Deal with conflict when you get the first hint that something might be wrong. Go to the people involved and ask a simple question “Is there a problem?” Or you go to the person who offended you and say, “Can we talk? That conversation didn’t go well, and I want us to figure out a better way to communicate.” 

Remember, the sooner you get to it, the sooner you get through it. 

There are two sides to every story. 

95% of all conflicts are the result of insufficient information. Specifically, someone has only heard part of the story. People come up with all kinds of ideas when they don’t have all of the data. I can’t tell you how many conflicts I’ve been able to quickly solve when I gave everybody involved all of the information.   

Also, don’t take sides until you hear the whole story. People don’t necessarily lie, but they will usually tell a version of what happened in the way that makes them look the best. So be careful of taking somebody’s side before you have all the facts.  

Focus on issues, not people. 

Don’t make it personal. Instead, talk about behaviors and actions. Guy, using the right words can help de-escalate the situation and find a solution that works for everyone.

Here are tips and techniques you can use to help solve the conflict.

  • Paraphrasing: You repeat back what the other person has said in your own words to be sure you understand the issue.
  • Acknowledge the other person’s feelings: You can understand their feelings, even if you disagree with their perspective. You can say something like, “I know you’re angry, and I want to understand why. Can you explain?”

BONUS: Here’s what NOT to do. 

  • Threats: Threats are never acceptable, no matter what the other person says or does. If you feel yourself losing control to the point you’ll threaten the other person, walk away. 
  • Absolutes: Avoid using phrases like “you always” or “you never.” 

I’m an excellent example of what happens when you either don’t start conflicts at work or know how to handle them when it happens. 

I’ve changed jobs a lot. I mean a lot! One of the reasons I can get interviews for jobs I’ve never done is that I’ve earned a reputation for being an easy guy to work with. Or, at the very least, I don’t cause drama. If there is a problem, I face it quickly. Especially if I’m the one who caused the problem. 

Let’s Take Back Masculinity

Have you ever run across something and thought, “That ought not be”?

Like the fact, there is poverty in one of the most prosperous countries in history or the fact that so many people in the world don’t have access to clean water, or when the government spends billions of dollars on frivolous pet projects. Whatever it is for you, you had a moment when you saw “it” and said to yourself, “that ought not be.”

For me, it was when I realized that one day someone, somewhere, decided masculine men were the enemy and the source of most of the world’s problems, and therefore masculinity needed to be eradicated. Or, to put it in one sentence, men are defective women, and if men would just become more like women, the world would be a better place. 

When this happened, the concept of toxic masculinity entered the lexicon. But it’s wrong. The men used to “prove” that toxic masculinity exists are in fact, not masculine at all. They are boys who can shave, pretending to be men, and are in fact, just assholes. 

The result is now there is a dangerously large number of men who either think they are the problem, so they do nothing to avoid making things worse. Or they are fed up with being judged for the actions of other males and decide to check out from society. 

When I say doing nothing, I mean they have stopped going to school, stopped working, stopped dating women, and stopped attempting difficult tasks. Instead, they descended into a world of fake war in video games and fake love in porn. 

But is it really a problem for men to watch porn and play video games? It is when porn gives a man an orgasm without intimacy, and video games give a man adrenaline without danger. In other words, men can get their natural instincts and needs met without any responsibilities or consequences. That’s bad because personal responsibility and acceptance of consequences are essential to masculinity. 

But this ought not be. 

The central premise behind the call for masculinity to be done away with is that men get all the breaks and are in control of the world. But this is not supported by an unbiased review of the data. What is true is that a small number of men are in positions of power and influence, and they do control many companies and governments. But the idea that all men, or even the majority of men, enjoy the same privileges is false. Here are the facts

  • Men make up the majority of the prison population 
  • Men are more likely to be a victim of violent crime
  • More men die on the job
  • If a man has sex with a woman and she becomes pregnant, he has no input into whether the baby is born or not. 

Again, there may be a few men orchestrating how things work and profiting from that control, but that is not the reality for 99% of men. 

One more “that ought not be” is not only is masculinity being attacked by the progressive side, it’s also been co-opted by the Bro culture. The Bro’s equate masculinity with how many women you sleep with, how much money you have, how physically fit you are, and how many F-bombs you can use in 60 seconds. The Bro’s are cartoon versions of what masculinity is supposed to be, and sadly way too many people fall for it. 

But no matter what side the attack comes from, the fact remains that masculinity is under attack, and that needs to stop. 

A lot of people and the culture at large say, “so what?”. Even if we have gone too far, isn’t it better to have men trying to shed their masculinity? The answer is no! In fact, there are no metrics that point to society being better when there are fewer masculine men. 

If you’re not convinced, take a look at the societal damage that has occurred when men check out and walk away. 

  • 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes
  • 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes
  • 85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes
  • 80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes
  • 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes
  • 75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes
  • 85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes. 

But one that really scares me is 7 million able-bodied men between the ages of 25 and 54 are not only not working, they aren’t even looking for work. And that’s bad. Because without a job, men get bored, and a bored man is a dangerous man. 

No matter how you look at it, doing away with masculine men does nothing but harm everyone.

What’s the answer? We must take back masculinity.

Take it back from those who want to destroy it and those who have co-opted it for their own benefit. 

I believe this must be done with an aggressive approach that doesn’t shrink back from having conversations with those who will want to shout us down or force us to cower in the corner by making rash and untruthful accusations. 

We must stop apologizing for being a man. For enjoying men-centric activities and past times. For enjoying being around other men. For communicating and dealing with emotions like a man.

The first step to taking back masculinity is to identify what it takes to be a good man and then pursue it with intensity.

I put it like this, Masculine Men are Providers, Protectors, and Professors.

  • Provide for our families, friends, and people we don’t even know.
  • Protect those who cannot protect themselves.
  • Professors teach and men are wired to pass on what they have learned so others will have an easier path to walk in life. 

I want to help and encourage men to become the best version of themselves instead of obsessing over what other men are doing or can do, to stop playing the comparison game. The fact is every man’s capacity is different, so all men need to focus on measuring themselves by the standard of what is their best. 

On a personal level, I’m deciding to become a megaphone to champion the cause of taking back masculinity and teaching men what it means to be a masculine man. To write, speak, podcast, and go wherever I can to raise the alarm that if we don’t take back masculinity, the world is in serious trouble.

I’m looking for other men to join men in this cause. There will be more details later, but for now, I have one question for you, “Are you in?”

 

WRITE it down to avoid forgetting important information

WHAT?

I decided to start using a paper planner this year instead of the calendar and Reminder apps on my phone. So, I bought a Day-Timer set, but then I found this pocket-sized calendar on Amazon for $12.00 (scroll to the bottom for a link). It met my three criteria; fit in my pocket, have both a monthly calendar and daily with enough room to write on.

Why did I make this change?

SO WHAT?

Have you ever considered the benefits of writing things down? Here are a few:

Studies have shown that the physical act of writing by hand stimulates the brain in ways that typing on a phone or computer keyboard cannot.

Writing things down helps you to organize thoughts and information. When you write something down, you are forced to process the information and organize it in a way that makes sense to you, which in turn helps you remember and recall it more easily.

Another benefit is writing helps you focus. When writing by hand, your brain is forced to focus on the task at hand, rather than getting distracted by an email or text notification.

Writing by hand requires the use of motor skills and that helps to encode information more deeply into your memory. This fact is backed up by research that has shown the physical act of writing activates the different parts of the brain that control learning and memory.

Lastly, writing by hand can be a more enjoyable experience. Using a pen or pencil can be more satisfying than typing on a phone or computer, making it more likely that you will continue the discipline.

NOW WHAT?

Writing things down has tons of benefits. It can help you organize thoughts and information, improve focus and concentration, activate different parts of the brain that aid in learning and memory, and be a more enjoyable experience. Next time you need to jot something down, consider reaching for a pen and paper instead of your phone.

PS

I use a pencil instead of a pen when I write things down in my calendar because of a great saying I heard years ago, “Write Your Plans in Pencil, Then Give God The Eraser”

PSS

Here is a link to the calendar for those of you who want to join me in using paper to organize your life.

How to Work a Job You Hate

WHAT?

One of my favorite quotes is, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.” I don’t know if Thoreau was thinking about men and their jobs, but he could have been when you understand roughly half of all men do not like their jobs. 

Why? Men gave lots of reasons like low pay and not trusting management when asked why.

But whatever the reason, one thing is for sure, it can be challenging to work a job you hate.

SO WHAT?

The reason this matters is lots of bad things happen when men hate their jobs:

  1. High absenteeism 
  2. Low productivity
  3. Poor morale
  4. Quiet quitting- that’s when men revert to doing just enough not to get fired.

But the most damaging result when a man hates his job is he ends up leading a life of quiet desperation. He’s so busy dreading going to work the next day that he avoids connecting with his wife and kids or, even worse, he self-medicates with alcohol or drugs. 

NOW WHAT?

So what do you do if you hate your job? Here are a few things you can try to make the experience more bearable:

Set boundaries: Determine what you are and are not willing to do at work. Setting clear boundaries can help you feel more in control and prevent burnout.

Find something to enjoy: Try to find something about the job that you do enjoy, no matter how small. Focusing on the things you like can make the job feel more bearable.

Take breaks: Take breaks throughout the day to rest and recharge. This can help you maintain a healthy work-life balance.

Talk to someone: If you’re struggling with your job, consider talking to a friend, family member, or therapist about your feelings. It can be helpful to have a supportive person to talk to.

Look for opportunities to grow and learn: Even if you don’t enjoy your job, you can still try to find ways to grow and learn while you’re there. This can make the experience more rewarding and help you develop new skills that may be useful in the future.

Ultimately, it’s important to remember that it’s okay to not enjoy your job, but it’s not healthy to stay in a job that is causing you constant stress or making you miserable. If you find that you are truly unhappy at work, it may be time to start looking for a new job that aligns better with your values and strengths.

How Men Screw Up Their Lives

WHAT?

Guys, I have to admit I wonder how we can be so dumb sometimes. Especially when it comes to having sex with women we’re not married to. You would think watching one famous and influential man after another get caught and then publicly disgraced, we would know not to do that. 

But it keeps happening.

The same thing goes for cheating in business deals to get more money. There are tons of guys doing time in federal prison because they cooked the books or just flat-out stole from their companies or investors. 

How can a man do either one of these while their brain is screaming, “don’t do it!”. They know they will get caught eventually and what it will cost them when it happens. But they do it anyway.’

Why?

SO WHAT?

Because there’s this thing called the Male Failure Path, that goes like this:

Lust > Entitlement > Pride

Lust says, “I want it” 

Entitlement says, “I deserve it”

Pride says, “I can handle it”

This path has been around since the beginning of time. Men like Bill Clinton, Bernie Madoff, and more have followed it to their destruction. They all decided to take something that didn’t belong to them simply because they wanted it. It didn’t matter if the something was money or a woman they weren’t married to. 

NOW WHAT?

The part that makes no sense is that even though the path hasn’t changed for thousands of years and the results are always the same; humiliation, public ridicule, and the loss of everything that matters, men still keep walking down it over and over.

Guys, I hope you’ll take this as a wake up call and decide to put guardrails in place to keep you from doing the same thing. Develop practices that help you walk, no, make that run, away when you’re about to head out down the path.

You don’t have to be another statistic and become the man people say things about, like “How could he have been so dumb?” “Such a waste.” 

Instead I hope you’ll make this commitment.

“I choose to live my life as an example instead of a warning to others”

3 Keys to success in any job/career

What?

Have you ever listened to “Sweet Home Alabama” and wondered who the Swampers were?

“Now Muscle Shoals has got the Swampers

And they’ve been known to pick a song or two (yes they do)”

The answer is they were a group of session musicians who started at Fame Studios, then opened Muscle Shoals Sound recording studio. Their official name was the Muscle Shoals Rhythm Section, but Leon Russell gave them the nickname The Swampers, and it stuck.  

One of the founding members is bass player David Hood, and he’s had a long career playing with everybody from Willie Nelson to Wilson Pickett. 

One day a young guitar player/songwriter named Jason Isbell asked David how he always got to work with such great artists. What was his secret? Here’s what David told him, “My gear always worked, I was on time, and I had a good attitude”. Isbell didn’t believe him then, but after several years in the music business, he knew David had been telling the truth.

I told you that story to introduce the three keys to success in any job or career. And they are the same three David Hood used. 

So What?

Every guy wants to succeed at his job. It doesn’t matter if he’s a neurosurgeon or a heavy-equipment operator. There’s something in every guy that pushes him to be the best. 

Have you ever wondered how two men can start a career with identical training, but one of them ends up more successful than the other? You would think identical training would create identical results, but that’s not how it works, so the question is what makes the difference? 

Are there a few core competencies that will allow any man how to succeed in any job?

Now What?

The answer is yes. There are three keys to success in any job or career.

Be Disciplined

Be Organized

Have a Positive Attitude

My list tracks precisely with the three reasons David Hood said were why he kept getting hired. 

His gear always worked (organized)

It’s hard to get much done if you spend your day rushing around like a dog chasing his tail. You need to know what needs to be done and in what order. I use a $.35 spiral-bound notebook to keep myself on track throughout the day. The first thing I do when I get to work is to review the previous day’s to-do list and then write out what I need to get done that day. 

Pro Tip- Identify your frog

This comes from the productivity advice based on the idea that if you knew you had to eat a frog before you went to bed, you’d be wise to do it first thing and get it over with. Now apply that to your to-do list. After you finish your to-do list for the day, find the item you dread the most and do it first.  

He was always on-time (disciplined)

There’s a lot to be said for showing up on time. Any guy can be on time. It’s a matter of discipline. And when you develop discipline in one area of your life, it will spill over into every other area. In other words, if you can’t get out of bed and make it to work on time, it’s highly unlikely you’ll ever be great at what you do. 

Good attitude (positive attitude)

A friend of mine was a touring musician for a lot of years, and he put it best “the greatest guitar player in the world isn’t worth it if he’s a jerk”.

Never overestimate the power of a great attitude. Don’t be the guy who is always complaining or going to the boss with small, insignificant issues. 

That’s it. Any guy who incorporates these three keys into his work life has to be a success. 

 

PS

I got to spend some time with David a few years ago in the control room of the original Muscle Shoals Studio at 3614 Jackson Highway in Sheffield, Alabama. Click below to hear David talk about his career in the music business, including a fascinating story about why Lynard Skynard mentioned them in “Sweet Home Alabama.”

 

Listen to my interview with David Hood



Stop Wasting Time Looking for the Easy Way Out

 

WHAT?

Life is hard. Making a living is hard. The harder you work, the more the world fights back, but that’s how it’s supposed to be:

“And to the man He said, “Since you listened to your wife and ate from the tree…….the ground is cursed because of you. All your life you will struggle to scratch a living from it.” Genesis‬ ‭3‬‬

Life is supposed to be hard, and it always will be. 

But too many men exert copious amounts of energy looking for the easy button. There are tons of courses and internet influencers touting they have the “easy way,” the shortcut to life. They know a life hack that will remove all of the problems and struggles from a man’s life. So guys keep spending money looking for the easy way out. 

SO WHAT?

But it never works. All it does is piss men off, and they eventually give up.

I’m not sure who said this, but it perfectly describes how some men move through life. 

“Men used to expect life to be difficult and acted accordingly. Today  we expect life to be easy, and when that’s proven wrong, we crumble.”

NOW WHAT?

Every man needs to understand that strength in any area of his life is developed through struggle. You don’t get stronger lifting the same amount of weight for years. You don’t build up your immune system by living in a bubble. A great analogy is sailors aren’t created in the harbor but in the middle of a storm.

 

Writer Michael Hopf put it this way “Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men and weak men create hard times.”

 

We shouldn’t desire the easy, instead we should desire to get stronger so that we can endure because that’s how we develop into the best version of ourselves.

Do You Know Why a Man is Successful?

WHAT?

Like the average man, I’m always looking for the “secret” of why a small percentage of men are successful. There are tons of books that all promise to have the secret. But I finally discovered the best way to figure out why a man is successful is to simply ask him. So I started meeting with men who are succeeding in life and asking them how they do it.

 

SO WHAT?

Here’s the thing, I discovered most successful men are happy to talk to you. In fact, they are just waiting for you to ask. I also found the one unbreakable rule, don’t waste their time. Show up prepared; even better, send them a list of questions you’d like them to answer.

 

NOW WHAT?

So I came up with five questions that enable me to extract as much wisdom as possible when I get a chance to talk to a successful man

 

  1. Who taught you the most about being a man, and what did they teach you?
  2. What has surprised you the most in life?
  3. What advice would you give to 18 year old you?
  4. How do you manage your time?
  5. How do you manage your money?



I’ve asked lots of successful men these questions on a podcast I used to do. 

Click to listen to some of their answers.

Decide to live your life as an example instead of a warning

When your name comes up in a conversation, do you want people to say you’re an example to follow or a warning of what not to do? 

I’ve thought about this question a lot over the years. First when both of my girls were born and recently when my grandsons came along. And I know I’m not the only guy who has thought about it. 

Co-founder of The Drive By Truckers Mike Cooley talked about how he dealt with the question. Cooley plays guitar and writes songs, and he wrote one that is a raw admission that as his son gets older, he’s trying to figure out if his life has been an example or warning. The song’s name is “Every Single Storied Flameout,” and it’s got a line that says, “if I’d been my own example I’d be worse.” 

Here’s what he said about the song, “Even as I was trying to write it I was looking out the window at him in the driveway thinking, ‘Oh god, what are you up to now?’” Cooley recalls. “But I’ve made so many mistakes, done so many things that could’ve gone so bad, why should he listen to any advice I had……?”

I think that’s his way of saying he believes he’s been more warning than example. 

Ever felt like Cooley? Wishing you had been or are being an example instead of a warning for your kids?

One thing that helps me to be an example is to think about my grandsons, Bennett and Henry, when I’m faced with a decision or temptation. I can’t imagine making a choice that would force my daughters to tell my grandsons to use Saba as a warning of what NOT to do. I’m not sure I’d ever recover from that. 

But the good news is no matter how many times you’ve screwed up; you can always start over. You just have to decide you want to be an example instead of a warning.