Health

Let’s Take Back Masculinity

Have you ever run across something and thought, “That ought not be”?

Like the fact, there is poverty in one of the most prosperous countries in history or the fact that so many people in the world don’t have access to clean water, or when the government spends billions of dollars on frivolous pet projects. Whatever it is for you, you had a moment when you saw “it” and said to yourself, “that ought not be.”

For me, it was when I realized that one day someone, somewhere, decided masculine men were the enemy and the source of most of the world’s problems, and therefore masculinity needed to be eradicated. Or, to put it in one sentence, men are defective women, and if men would just become more like women, the world would be a better place. 

When this happened, the concept of toxic masculinity entered the lexicon. But it’s wrong. The men used to “prove” that toxic masculinity exists are in fact, not masculine at all. They are boys who can shave, pretending to be men, and are in fact, just assholes. 

The result is now there is a dangerously large number of men who either think they are the problem, so they do nothing to avoid making things worse. Or they are fed up with being judged for the actions of other males and decide to check out from society. 

When I say doing nothing, I mean they have stopped going to school, stopped working, stopped dating women, and stopped attempting difficult tasks. Instead, they descended into a world of fake war in video games and fake love in porn. 

But is it really a problem for men to watch porn and play video games? It is when porn gives a man an orgasm without intimacy, and video games give a man adrenaline without danger. In other words, men can get their natural instincts and needs met without any responsibilities or consequences. That’s bad because personal responsibility and acceptance of consequences are essential to masculinity. 

But this ought not be. 

The central premise behind the call for masculinity to be done away with is that men get all the breaks and are in control of the world. But this is not supported by an unbiased review of the data. What is true is that a small number of men are in positions of power and influence, and they do control many companies and governments. But the idea that all men, or even the majority of men, enjoy the same privileges is false. Here are the facts

  • Men make up the majority of the prison population 
  • Men are more likely to be a victim of violent crime
  • More men die on the job
  • If a man has sex with a woman and she becomes pregnant, he has no input into whether the baby is born or not. 

Again, there may be a few men orchestrating how things work and profiting from that control, but that is not the reality for 99% of men. 

One more “that ought not be” is not only is masculinity being attacked by the progressive side, it’s also been co-opted by the Bro culture. The Bro’s equate masculinity with how many women you sleep with, how much money you have, how physically fit you are, and how many F-bombs you can use in 60 seconds. The Bro’s are cartoon versions of what masculinity is supposed to be, and sadly way too many people fall for it. 

But no matter what side the attack comes from, the fact remains that masculinity is under attack, and that needs to stop. 

A lot of people and the culture at large say, “so what?”. Even if we have gone too far, isn’t it better to have men trying to shed their masculinity? The answer is no! In fact, there are no metrics that point to society being better when there are fewer masculine men. 

If you’re not convinced, take a look at the societal damage that has occurred when men check out and walk away. 

  • 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes
  • 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes
  • 85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes
  • 80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes
  • 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes
  • 75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes
  • 85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes. 

But one that really scares me is 7 million able-bodied men between the ages of 25 and 54 are not only not working, they aren’t even looking for work. And that’s bad. Because without a job, men get bored, and a bored man is a dangerous man. 

No matter how you look at it, doing away with masculine men does nothing but harm everyone.

What’s the answer? We must take back masculinity.

Take it back from those who want to destroy it and those who have co-opted it for their own benefit. 

I believe this must be done with an aggressive approach that doesn’t shrink back from having conversations with those who will want to shout us down or force us to cower in the corner by making rash and untruthful accusations. 

We must stop apologizing for being a man. For enjoying men-centric activities and past times. For enjoying being around other men. For communicating and dealing with emotions like a man.

The first step to taking back masculinity is to identify what it takes to be a good man and then pursue it with intensity.

I put it like this, Masculine Men are Providers, Protectors, and Professors.

  • Provide for our families, friends, and people we don’t even know.
  • Protect those who cannot protect themselves.
  • Professors teach and men are wired to pass on what they have learned so others will have an easier path to walk in life. 

I want to help and encourage men to become the best version of themselves instead of obsessing over what other men are doing or can do, to stop playing the comparison game. The fact is every man’s capacity is different, so all men need to focus on measuring themselves by the standard of what is their best. 

On a personal level, I’m deciding to become a megaphone to champion the cause of taking back masculinity and teaching men what it means to be a masculine man. To write, speak, podcast, and go wherever I can to raise the alarm that if we don’t take back masculinity, the world is in serious trouble.

I’m looking for other men to join men in this cause. There will be more details later, but for now, I have one question for you, “Are you in?”

 

Do You Know Why a Man is Successful?

WHAT?

Like the average man, I’m always looking for the “secret” of why a small percentage of men are successful. There are tons of books that all promise to have the secret. But I finally discovered the best way to figure out why a man is successful is to simply ask him. So I started meeting with men who are succeeding in life and asking them how they do it.

 

SO WHAT?

Here’s the thing, I discovered most successful men are happy to talk to you. In fact, they are just waiting for you to ask. I also found the one unbreakable rule, don’t waste their time. Show up prepared; even better, send them a list of questions you’d like them to answer.

 

NOW WHAT?

So I came up with five questions that enable me to extract as much wisdom as possible when I get a chance to talk to a successful man

 

  1. Who taught you the most about being a man, and what did they teach you?
  2. What has surprised you the most in life?
  3. What advice would you give to 18 year old you?
  4. How do you manage your time?
  5. How do you manage your money?



I’ve asked lots of successful men these questions on a podcast I used to do. 

Click to listen to some of their answers.

The time, money, and energy gauges to help a man avoid blowing up

 

When I was in college, I borrowed more money than I should have to buy my dream car, a 1981 Toyota Supra. I loved that car, but after a while, I got tired of spending half of what I made working part-time at Sears to make the payment.

 

One day a couple pulled out in front of me and totaled my car. I wasn’t happy at the time, but I got happy when the insurance company gave me enough money to pay off my loan and pay cash for a VW Scirocco. There was even enough left over to put a $99 paint job on it and a killer stereo in it. The truth is the stereo was worth more than the car. 

 

The car turned out to be a complete POS. The design of the engine and cooling system was terrible. The car drank oil like I used to drink Gatorade during two-a-day football practices, which meant I had to keep an eye on the oil pressure gauge to let me know when the oil was running low. The cooling system design was so bad and the fan so weak I had to keep an eye on the engine temp gauge to let me know when I needed to add water to the radiator to avoid overheating.

 

In other words, I had to keep an eye on the gauges to keep my crappy car from blowing up. 

 

How does this apply to my life?

 

I’ve figured out my life is the same way; I have to keep my eye on a few gauges to avoid blowing it up.

 

Here are the three gauges I watch.

 

Time

Time is your most valuable asset, even more than money, because you don’t know how much time you have left. That’s why you need to have a plan for how you’re going to spend every day and be sure you’re working towards a long-term goal. Or, to put it simply, daily execution of an annual plan. 

 

Here’s how to break your daily schedule into three categories 

  • Must-Do, or if I don’t do this, I’m screwed stuff.
  • Should-Do, or if I get the Must do stuff done, I can move on to this.
  • Could-Do or on those rare days, I get the first two categories completed I can choose from this list. 

 

Pro Tip- have no more than 3-5 items in each category.

 

Pro Tip #2- Learn to say “No,” don’t let people guilt their way onto any of your lists. 

 

Money

The problem most people have is not that they don’t make enough money; it’s that they don’t know how to manage what they do have. 

 

This gauge is all about knowing three things about money:

  • How much you make
  • How much you owe
  • How much you have

 

Most banks have apps for your phone, so there is no excuse not to know all three numbers. 

 

Pro Tip-Beware of money leaks like subscriptions you forgot you had or $12 energized teas. 

 

Energy

 

Your energy level is the gauge that will help you avoid burnout. The more you pay attention to your energy level, the more likely you are to maintain the proper balance between rest and work.

 

Pro Tip- One of the best ways to manage your energy is a 30-minute walk. Grab your earbuds, turn on some classical music, and take off. Every problem and opportunity looks different after a walk. Commit to doing this at least three days per week.

 

The SECRET

 

The secret to avoiding blowing up your life is You Must have margin in all three areas of time, money, and energy.

 

Leave time in your schedule for the unexpected opportunities to connect or serve

Don’t spend every penny you make so you’ll be able to pick up the utility bill for a single mom. Learn how to spot energy vampires. People who will suck you dry. That way, you’ll have the energy to spend time with your kids and be fully present.

 

Time, Money, and Energy will either enhance your life or implode it based on your choices. So watch your gauges and make wise choices.

 

PS

Solomon summarized the difference between the man who watches his gauges and the one who doesn’t.

 

The wise are cautious and avoid danger; fools plunge ahead with reckless confidence. Proverbs 14:16

How Good is Your BS Detector?

Does the name Peter Attia mean anything to you?

Peter Attia is an over-achiever. He’s a surgeon, a cancer doc, and he left medicine for a few years to join a Silicon Valley consulting firm. Now he’s focused on helping people live longer.

If that wasn’t enough, he also found enough spare time to run ultra-marathons and swim round trips from Lanai to Maui.

He’s done some stuff, but the thing that impresses me is his BS detector. It’s off the charts good. He belongs in the BS detector hall of fame because he walked away from what looked like the chance of a lifetime. A job with stock options that would have made him tens of millions of dollars.

Peter Attia got a phone call in 2006 about the job of Chief Medical Officer for a small startup company called Theranos. The company was starting to get famous in Silicon Valley because they claimed to have developed a black box that could take a drop of blood and quickly provide a report full of health data. Information like if the person had AIDS or if they were likely to develop Alzheimer’s. Theranos was the first of what was being called “lab-on-a-chip” devices that would make blood testing more accessible and cheaper.

Attia had lunch with Theranos founder and inventor Elizabeth Holmes to talk about the job. He was curious about the technology because there was nothing like it on the market, so he asked all kinds of questions about how the black box worked. The answers didn’t make sense to him, so Attia asked if he could see inside the box, and Holmes told him absolutely not. This was weird because he had to sign an NDA to even get in the building, but the answer was no.

Attia passed on the job because his BS meter was pegging out.

It turns out Attia was right. In 2015 a series of articles accusing Theranos of fraud were published in medical journals and the Wall Street Journal. All the bad publicity turned out to be the beginning of the end. After a few years of investigations and lawsuits, Theranos was closed in 2018.

But that wasn’t the end of the story. Elizabeth Holmes was found guilty on multiple counts of wire fraud.

Peter Attia avoided getting caught up in one of the biggest corporate frauds of all time because he asked smart questions, listened to the answers, and paid attention to his gut when the answers didn’t make sense.

In other words, he used his BS detector.

What is a BS detector? It’s simple, you don’t believe everything you read or hear.

Instead, you do some research. You talk to men who are experts in the field. Maybe even read a book or two or three. And for sure, you don’t invest time, money, or energy in something just because it was on Facebook.

Men with great BS detectors expect to be lied to. This is one of those depressing facts of life you wish weren’t true, but the faster you accept that it is, the better off you’ll be.

When you expect to be lied to, you learn to ask “how do you know that?”. It’s the most powerful question in your arsenal. You want the answer to involve verifiable information, and you need to check out every fact or stat you hear or read.

There is so much information available now that the only reason a man should ever get conned is because he was too lazy to use his phone for research instead of watching tik tok videos.

Want to be a better man? Develop one good habit per month

Way back in 1892, a psychologist named Willam James said, “All our life, so far as it has definite form, is but a mass of habits.” 

Most men think what they do every day is a series of decisions. But that’s not right. Most of what we do is a habit. A researcher at Duke University wrote that 40% of what we do in a typical day is actually a habit instead of a decision. 

Think about the stuff you do every day from your morning routine to the route you take coming home from work. All of those are habits more than decisions. 

Men are habit machines

So it makes sense that if you want to be a better man, you need to develop better habits. 

Let’s start with the fundamental question of “Why do we form habits?”  

I wondered why humans have the pre-wired ability to form a habit instead of being born with the habits built-in. I did some research and learned our brains are designed to constantly look for ways to reduce the effort required to stay alive. To automate routine tasks so men could use their brains to hunt, figure out how to defend themselves against an enemy, or find a better place to live. 

By the way, men have not lost the innate drive to improve their environment so that it’s a little easier to survive. It’s just changed as the world has become more complex. Now men develop new technologies or improve existing ones to make it a little easier to survive. 

I don’t know what habits Willis Carrier developed so he had the energy to invent air conditioning but I’m glad he did. 

This is why forming good habits is so important and bad habits are so destructive to a man. Bad habits will sabotage your ability to do something amazing like Willis Carrier. 

Here’s a secret that should inspire any guy who has tried to break bad habits but constantly relapses and loses his motivation to keep trying; 

You don’t break old habits as much as you overwrite them with new ones.

But what habits does a man need to develop? Here’s a three step process to identify the new habits you need and how to develop them. 

Step 1 

Think about the men you admire, it doesn’t matter if you know them personally. Men who are successful businessmen, great dads, or world class husbands.

Step 2 

Spend some time observing them and take notes about what they do. Pay special attention to what these men do that’s different from what you do.

  • They do what they say they’re going to do. Every time!
  • They correct actions/behaviors in others without denigrating the person
  • When talking with someone, you can see the person has their full attention.  They don’t look at their watch. They don’t respond to a text message. It’s clear that this conversation is the only thing that’s on their mind at that moment.
  • They provide explanations but they don’t make excuses for themselves.
  • They have control over their life and time instead of time having control of them. Their schedule is full of things and people that matter to them. 
  • He listens more than he talks.

Step 3

Identify the one habit of that guy that you’re going to develop this month. Just a heads up, don’t try to develop more than one new habit per month. It exponentially increases your chances for failure. 

Write it down.  

Tell your spouse and coworkers what it is and ask them to help you notice when you fail.

The biggest thing you need to know before you begin developing a new habit is it’s a process. First you’ll notice after the fact when you didn’t do it and think “Dang! I did it again”. Later you’ll notice when you’re doing it. Finally, you’ll progress to the point that you realize after you’ve done it and you’ll celebrate internally by saying “I did it!”

Bingo! You developed a new habit in just one month. 

Now that you’re armed with the confidence you can develop a good habit, choose another new habit and start the process over 

Change 12 habits over the next year you’ll be a better man.

PS

Special thanks to a successful man whose habits I try to emulate, Ron Klein, for the idea for this article, 

 

Are you older than 25? Then Your Behavior is on You

I bet you’re like me and don’t enjoy being around the guy who says, “I can’t help it, that’s just how I was raised” whenever someone calls him out for being a bigot, losing his temper, or just generally being a pain in the ass. You’re not alone; nobody wants to hire, marry, or work for that guy. 

Blaming your parents or the neighborhood you grew up in only works for boys, not men. The truth is you have until age 25 to blame your behavior on your upbringing. After that, it’s on you.

That’s the opposite of today’s culture. Today everybody is looking for someone to blame for whatever is not perfect in their life. Nobody wants to take responsibility for their junk. 

That’s not how men do it. A real man knows that a key ingredient to authentic masculinity is to take responsibility for his life. The Good and the bad.

You can only move on from a bad past after you embrace it and begin to take responsibility for your life. Here are three ways you can 

  • Make peace with your past- as long as you hold onto your past, you’re a prisoner to it. Extract the lessons then delete the details. 
  • Make peace with your parents- most parents did the best they knew how. Parents parent the way they were parented. That’s why it’s so important to have men who are committed to breaking the cycle of poor parenting in their family history 
  • Ask people who care about you to call you out when you act like a jerk- don’t think of these people as an accountability partner just waiting for you to mess up so they can pounce on you. Instead think of them as your allies who are fighting side-by-side with you and are trying to keep you alive by telling you when you’re about to do something stupid. 

You shouldn’t want to keep blaming your upbringing because what that really says is you’re good with being a prisoner to your past. No man should ever allow himself to become a prisoner to anything, especially things that happened in his past that he will never ever be able to undo.

Commit to owning your junk. Give up excuses and crutches. People are more inclined to help you improve when you’re honest. People are attracted to authenticity instead of being repelled by men who are less than perfect but refuse to admit it.

Reverse Engineering Your Life

Before everyone had a GPS in their pocket, the old joke was a man would never ask for directions or admit he was lost. It was funny because there was a certain amount of the truth in it. 

The bad news is there isn’t a GPS for life which means a lot of guys just float through day after day with no real plan to follow. They make decisions in the heat of the moment without thinking about the future consequences. It’s like they’re taking a road trip without a map. Instead of having a planned route, they just hop on the road and make turns whenever the mood strikes them.

What’s weird is they’re surprised when they don’t end up where they meant to go and some are even pissed off and look for somebody to blame. 

That’s life for way too many guys and it’s not good, but there is a better way. So I want to show you a process for how to develop a plan to get you where you want to be in 2, 5, or 10 years. The time frame isn’t important, the important part is for you to have a plan you’re following.

But before we talk about planning, we need to establish some axioms about your life:

Playbook for Men Axioms for Life

#1: Your life is a checkbook and you write a check for it every day

#2: You must have a WRITTEN plan

#3: Everything in life costs something (time, money, etc.) and you can’t ignore that fact.

Those three axioms are going to frame the process of coming up with a plan. 

I think the biggest takeaway is nothing in life is free. Everything you want costs something of value, money or your really valuable asset, time. So choose wisely. 

Now I want to show you how to set goals based on where you want to go, not where you are. In other words, how to reverse engineer the life you’ve always wanted.

REVERSE ENGINEERING YOUR LIFE

Step #1:

Write out your priorities (no more than 7) and put them in order of importance. For instance:

  1. God
  2. Wife
  3. Kids
  4. Extended family
  5. Career
  6. Church
  7. Serving others

Step #2: 

Pick a day for yourself and your family sometime in the future and picture that day. How far in the future? I would say a minimum of 2 years and a maximum of 10 years. But it’s your choice, just be reasonable. Nobody can set goals for 30 years from now. What does your life look like? Ask the following questions:

Housing

  • Where do you live?
  • What does your house look like? 
  • What vehicle(s) do you drive?

Health

  • How much will you weigh?
  • How much will you exercise weekly?
  • What day will be your Sabbath?
  • What do your vacations and holidays look like?

Financial

  • Where do you work?
  • How much money do you make?
  • How is your money spent?
  • How is your money saved?
  • How is your money invested?
  • How is your money tithed?
  • What is your insurance package?

Marriage

  • How often do you pray together?
  • When is your date night?

Family

  • How many children will you have?
  • How old will your children be?
  • How will they be educated at that time? Public, private, or home school

Extended Family

  • What is your relationship like with each family member?
  • Do you take vacations together?
  • What about holidays/special days?

Friends

  • Who are your closest friends?
  • Which people have you dropped as friends?
  • What things do you do with your friends?

Learning

  • How many books have you read by that date? 
  • What other experiences have influenced your life (conferences, mentors)?

Ministry

  • What church do you attend?
  • How involved are you?
  • How are you studying the Bible?

I’m not promising you’ll never have any problems if you follow this process but I am telling you the chances of you ending up someplace you never wanted to go are almost zero. 

The best way to do this is when you have the time to really think through each question. 

Now grab a notebook and reverse engineer the life you’ve always wanted. 

PS

The late great Alabama football coach Bear Bryant kept a copy of this poem in his wallet to remind him about the value of a day.

“This is the beginning of a new day. God has given me this day to use as I will. I can waste it or use it for good. 

What I do today is very important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever…

leaving something in its place I have traded for it. I want it to be gain, not loss — good, not evil. Success, not failure in order that I shall not forget the price I paid for it.” -Hartsill Wilson

PPS

Thanks to Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill Church for the big idea behind this column.