Personal Development

Life’s not Fair and 6 Other No Bull-#$*% Facts of Life

Ever heard of a bad beat? If you’re not a poker player, you probably haven’t. A bad beat is when a player with a dominating hand loses to a player with a weaker hand because they were dealt a specific card.

Most people think poker players remember the big hands they won, but it’s the opposite, they remember with amazing accuracy the bad beats. Go to any poker game, and it won’t take long before the bad beat stories come out. 

Check out this video to see a perfect example of a bad beat:

https://youtu.be/PbYh2gSlHuM?si=MaIm3xHXje3pB4eG

The worst bad beat is like the video above, when the other guy needs one specific card on the river to win, because the odds of a player hitting the perfect card is only 2.2%. 

I’ve played a lot of poker, and I can tell you a bad beat feels like getting punched in the stomach. Why does it hurt so much? Because, you’ve played the hand perfectly and now you have a 98.2% chance of winning, then the miracle card is dealt and you lose. 

In other words, it’s not fair that you lost. 

We don’t like it when life’s not fair but it’s a fact of life that’s as certain as water being wet. The sooner we as men come to grips with that fact, the less time we’ll spend being miserable. 

There are actually 7 no-bullshit facts of life that all men need to come to grips with to avoid being miserable. 

7 No-Bullshit Facts of Life

  1. You’re not the center of the universe
  2. There are no shortcuts to weight loss, getting in shape, getting out of debt, raising great kids, having an awesome marriage, or building a successful business.
  3. Life is not fair
  4. The government is not the answer to your problems. They can only provide a temporary, substandard bandaid.
  5. Nothing is free. If you didn’t pay for it, some else did, whether they wanted to or not.
  6. If you broke, you ain’t busy
  7. Every man must eventually learn how to solve his own problem

Those 7 facts are as certain as gravity, so learn how to leverage them to become the best version of yourself instead of wasting your life complaining how tough your life is. 

Let’s Take Back Masculinity

Have you ever run across something and thought, “That ought not be”?

Like the fact, there is poverty in one of the most prosperous countries in history or the fact that so many people in the world don’t have access to clean water, or when the government spends billions of dollars on frivolous pet projects. Whatever it is for you, you had a moment when you saw “it” and said to yourself, “that ought not be.”

For me, it was when I realized that one day someone, somewhere, decided masculine men were the enemy and the source of most of the world’s problems, and therefore masculinity needed to be eradicated. Or, to put it in one sentence, men are defective women, and if men would just become more like women, the world would be a better place. 

When this happened, the concept of toxic masculinity entered the lexicon. But it’s wrong. The men used to “prove” that toxic masculinity exists are in fact, not masculine at all. They are boys who can shave, pretending to be men, and are in fact, just assholes. 

The result is now there is a dangerously large number of men who either think they are the problem, so they do nothing to avoid making things worse. Or they are fed up with being judged for the actions of other males and decide to check out from society. 

When I say doing nothing, I mean they have stopped going to school, stopped working, stopped dating women, and stopped attempting difficult tasks. Instead, they descended into a world of fake war in video games and fake love in porn. 

But is it really a problem for men to watch porn and play video games? It is when porn gives a man an orgasm without intimacy, and video games give a man adrenaline without danger. In other words, men can get their natural instincts and needs met without any responsibilities or consequences. That’s bad because personal responsibility and acceptance of consequences are essential to masculinity. 

But this ought not be. 

The central premise behind the call for masculinity to be done away with is that men get all the breaks and are in control of the world. But this is not supported by an unbiased review of the data. What is true is that a small number of men are in positions of power and influence, and they do control many companies and governments. But the idea that all men, or even the majority of men, enjoy the same privileges is false. Here are the facts

  • Men make up the majority of the prison population 
  • Men are more likely to be a victim of violent crime
  • More men die on the job
  • If a man has sex with a woman and she becomes pregnant, he has no input into whether the baby is born or not. 

Again, there may be a few men orchestrating how things work and profiting from that control, but that is not the reality for 99% of men. 

One more “that ought not be” is not only is masculinity being attacked by the progressive side, it’s also been co-opted by the Bro culture. The Bro’s equate masculinity with how many women you sleep with, how much money you have, how physically fit you are, and how many F-bombs you can use in 60 seconds. The Bro’s are cartoon versions of what masculinity is supposed to be, and sadly way too many people fall for it. 

But no matter what side the attack comes from, the fact remains that masculinity is under attack, and that needs to stop. 

A lot of people and the culture at large say, “so what?”. Even if we have gone too far, isn’t it better to have men trying to shed their masculinity? The answer is no! In fact, there are no metrics that point to society being better when there are fewer masculine men. 

If you’re not convinced, take a look at the societal damage that has occurred when men check out and walk away. 

  • 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes
  • 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes
  • 85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes
  • 80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes
  • 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes
  • 75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes
  • 85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes. 

But one that really scares me is 7 million able-bodied men between the ages of 25 and 54 are not only not working, they aren’t even looking for work. And that’s bad. Because without a job, men get bored, and a bored man is a dangerous man. 

No matter how you look at it, doing away with masculine men does nothing but harm everyone.

What’s the answer? We must take back masculinity.

Take it back from those who want to destroy it and those who have co-opted it for their own benefit. 

I believe this must be done with an aggressive approach that doesn’t shrink back from having conversations with those who will want to shout us down or force us to cower in the corner by making rash and untruthful accusations. 

We must stop apologizing for being a man. For enjoying men-centric activities and past times. For enjoying being around other men. For communicating and dealing with emotions like a man.

The first step to taking back masculinity is to identify what it takes to be a good man and then pursue it with intensity.

I put it like this, Masculine Men are Providers, Protectors, and Professors.

  • Provide for our families, friends, and people we don’t even know.
  • Protect those who cannot protect themselves.
  • Professors teach and men are wired to pass on what they have learned so others will have an easier path to walk in life. 

I want to help and encourage men to become the best version of themselves instead of obsessing over what other men are doing or can do, to stop playing the comparison game. The fact is every man’s capacity is different, so all men need to focus on measuring themselves by the standard of what is their best. 

On a personal level, I’m deciding to become a megaphone to champion the cause of taking back masculinity and teaching men what it means to be a masculine man. To write, speak, podcast, and go wherever I can to raise the alarm that if we don’t take back masculinity, the world is in serious trouble.

I’m looking for other men to join men in this cause. There will be more details later, but for now, I have one question for you, “Are you in?”

 

WRITE it down to avoid forgetting important information

WHAT?

I decided to start using a paper planner this year instead of the calendar and Reminder apps on my phone. So, I bought a Day-Timer set, but then I found this pocket-sized calendar on Amazon for $12.00 (scroll to the bottom for a link). It met my three criteria; fit in my pocket, have both a monthly calendar and daily with enough room to write on.

Why did I make this change?

SO WHAT?

Have you ever considered the benefits of writing things down? Here are a few:

Studies have shown that the physical act of writing by hand stimulates the brain in ways that typing on a phone or computer keyboard cannot.

Writing things down helps you to organize thoughts and information. When you write something down, you are forced to process the information and organize it in a way that makes sense to you, which in turn helps you remember and recall it more easily.

Another benefit is writing helps you focus. When writing by hand, your brain is forced to focus on the task at hand, rather than getting distracted by an email or text notification.

Writing by hand requires the use of motor skills and that helps to encode information more deeply into your memory. This fact is backed up by research that has shown the physical act of writing activates the different parts of the brain that control learning and memory.

Lastly, writing by hand can be a more enjoyable experience. Using a pen or pencil can be more satisfying than typing on a phone or computer, making it more likely that you will continue the discipline.

NOW WHAT?

Writing things down has tons of benefits. It can help you organize thoughts and information, improve focus and concentration, activate different parts of the brain that aid in learning and memory, and be a more enjoyable experience. Next time you need to jot something down, consider reaching for a pen and paper instead of your phone.

PS

I use a pencil instead of a pen when I write things down in my calendar because of a great saying I heard years ago, “Write Your Plans in Pencil, Then Give God The Eraser”

PSS

Here is a link to the calendar for those of you who want to join me in using paper to organize your life.

How Men Screw Up Their Lives

WHAT?

Guys, I have to admit I wonder how we can be so dumb sometimes. Especially when it comes to having sex with women we’re not married to. You would think watching one famous and influential man after another get caught and then publicly disgraced, we would know not to do that. 

But it keeps happening.

The same thing goes for cheating in business deals to get more money. There are tons of guys doing time in federal prison because they cooked the books or just flat-out stole from their companies or investors. 

How can a man do either one of these while their brain is screaming, “don’t do it!”. They know they will get caught eventually and what it will cost them when it happens. But they do it anyway.’

Why?

SO WHAT?

Because there’s this thing called the Male Failure Path, that goes like this:

Lust > Entitlement > Pride

Lust says, “I want it” 

Entitlement says, “I deserve it”

Pride says, “I can handle it”

This path has been around since the beginning of time. Men like Bill Clinton, Bernie Madoff, and more have followed it to their destruction. They all decided to take something that didn’t belong to them simply because they wanted it. It didn’t matter if the something was money or a woman they weren’t married to. 

NOW WHAT?

The part that makes no sense is that even though the path hasn’t changed for thousands of years and the results are always the same; humiliation, public ridicule, and the loss of everything that matters, men still keep walking down it over and over.

Guys, I hope you’ll take this as a wake up call and decide to put guardrails in place to keep you from doing the same thing. Develop practices that help you walk, no, make that run, away when you’re about to head out down the path.

You don’t have to be another statistic and become the man people say things about, like “How could he have been so dumb?” “Such a waste.” 

Instead I hope you’ll make this commitment.

“I choose to live my life as an example instead of a warning to others”

Stop Wasting Time Looking for the Easy Way Out

 

WHAT?

Life is hard. Making a living is hard. The harder you work, the more the world fights back, but that’s how it’s supposed to be:

“And to the man He said, “Since you listened to your wife and ate from the tree…….the ground is cursed because of you. All your life you will struggle to scratch a living from it.” Genesis‬ ‭3‬‬

Life is supposed to be hard, and it always will be. 

But too many men exert copious amounts of energy looking for the easy button. There are tons of courses and internet influencers touting they have the “easy way,” the shortcut to life. They know a life hack that will remove all of the problems and struggles from a man’s life. So guys keep spending money looking for the easy way out. 

SO WHAT?

But it never works. All it does is piss men off, and they eventually give up.

I’m not sure who said this, but it perfectly describes how some men move through life. 

“Men used to expect life to be difficult and acted accordingly. Today  we expect life to be easy, and when that’s proven wrong, we crumble.”

NOW WHAT?

Every man needs to understand that strength in any area of his life is developed through struggle. You don’t get stronger lifting the same amount of weight for years. You don’t build up your immune system by living in a bubble. A great analogy is sailors aren’t created in the harbor but in the middle of a storm.

 

Writer Michael Hopf put it this way “Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men and weak men create hard times.”

 

We shouldn’t desire the easy, instead we should desire to get stronger so that we can endure because that’s how we develop into the best version of ourselves.

Do You Know Why a Man is Successful?

WHAT?

Like the average man, I’m always looking for the “secret” of why a small percentage of men are successful. There are tons of books that all promise to have the secret. But I finally discovered the best way to figure out why a man is successful is to simply ask him. So I started meeting with men who are succeeding in life and asking them how they do it.

 

SO WHAT?

Here’s the thing, I discovered most successful men are happy to talk to you. In fact, they are just waiting for you to ask. I also found the one unbreakable rule, don’t waste their time. Show up prepared; even better, send them a list of questions you’d like them to answer.

 

NOW WHAT?

So I came up with five questions that enable me to extract as much wisdom as possible when I get a chance to talk to a successful man

 

  1. Who taught you the most about being a man, and what did they teach you?
  2. What has surprised you the most in life?
  3. What advice would you give to 18 year old you?
  4. How do you manage your time?
  5. How do you manage your money?



I’ve asked lots of successful men these questions on a podcast I used to do. 

Click to listen to some of their answers.

Decide to live your life as an example instead of a warning

When your name comes up in a conversation, do you want people to say you’re an example to follow or a warning of what not to do? 

I’ve thought about this question a lot over the years. First when both of my girls were born and recently when my grandsons came along. And I know I’m not the only guy who has thought about it. 

Co-founder of The Drive By Truckers Mike Cooley talked about how he dealt with the question. Cooley plays guitar and writes songs, and he wrote one that is a raw admission that as his son gets older, he’s trying to figure out if his life has been an example or warning. The song’s name is “Every Single Storied Flameout,” and it’s got a line that says, “if I’d been my own example I’d be worse.” 

Here’s what he said about the song, “Even as I was trying to write it I was looking out the window at him in the driveway thinking, ‘Oh god, what are you up to now?’” Cooley recalls. “But I’ve made so many mistakes, done so many things that could’ve gone so bad, why should he listen to any advice I had……?”

I think that’s his way of saying he believes he’s been more warning than example. 

Ever felt like Cooley? Wishing you had been or are being an example instead of a warning for your kids?

One thing that helps me to be an example is to think about my grandsons, Bennett and Henry, when I’m faced with a decision or temptation. I can’t imagine making a choice that would force my daughters to tell my grandsons to use Saba as a warning of what NOT to do. I’m not sure I’d ever recover from that. 

But the good news is no matter how many times you’ve screwed up; you can always start over. You just have to decide you want to be an example instead of a warning. 

Decide What You’ll Never Do

Think about this scenario:

You’re at a trade show and get invited to a private after-party with an unlimited supply of free top-shelf liquor. The music is fantastic, and before you know it, you’re on the dance floor with an equally inebriated lady from the other side of the country when “IT” happens. The “IT” being she hands you her key and asks you to walk her to her room. When you get to the room, you open the door like a gentleman, and she invites you to spend the night. 

What do you do? Have you already decided? If not, there’s a chance you’ll do something stupid because ego, liquor, and being far away from home are not the ingredients of a good decision. 

Situations like this are why you must take the time to decide what you’ll never do. If you wait until you have to choose, you run the risk of being overcome by circumstances, stress, or emotions. It’s not hard; get a piece of paper or open a google doc and put this at the top:

I Will Never

Then write down every idea that comes to mind. No editing; start writing/typing, and don’t stop until you run out of ideas. The list will probably be longer than you expected and most likely will have a few common themes:

Keep your hands off other people’s stuff, especially their spouses

Pay your debts

Keep your word

Don’t take advantage of others

Moderation in all things

One of the best things that comes from deciding what you’ll never do is you can take the time to think through situations and then make a great decision. Great decisions are ones you can have confidence in which means you’ll be less likely to waver when your stress or emotions kick in. This works better than deciding from a position of fear. Not doing something only because you’re afraid you’ll get caught still puts you at risk of being overcome by stress or emotions. 

Guys, we like to think we’re logical instead of emotional when it comes to making decisions, but the truth is most men make decisions based on emotions and then try to find the logic to justify the decision. That’s why you need to decide what you’ll never do NOW.

PS

Here’s a great example of deciding what you’ll never do from the bible?

“I made a covenant with my eyes not to look with lust at a young woman.”

‭‭Job‬ ‭31:1‬ ‭NLT‬‬

 

How to Escape a Life of Quiet Desperation

When everybody in your house is asleep, and you’re staring into the bottom of a glass of bourbon, do you see your life like this Henry David Thoreau quote, “the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation”? 

If that’s you, you probably think the world has cheated you. You agreed to work hard, play by the rules and be a good person and in return, the world promised to give you a sense of purpose, the occasional adventure, and enough money to stay ahead of the bill collectors. But the world lied, and now you get this quote from “Fight club.”

“We’re the middle children of history man, no purpose or place, we have no Great war, no Great depression, our great war is a spiritual war, our great depression is our lives, we’ve been all raised by television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars, but we won’t, and we’re slowly learning that fact. and we’re very, very pissed off.”

If that’s you, it’s time to do something different.

Today is the day for you to stop wasting your life watching tv, playing video games, or scrolling Facebook and instead Do Something.

What is the “Something”? You decide to set a goal to become the best version of yourself. When you do, you’ll discover the true contentment that comes from measuring your performance against what you’re capable of instead of what another guy can do. 

Contentment is different from being happy. I’ve been content when I wasn’t happy. Heck, I’ve even been content when I was mad. How is that possible? Because contentment is internal, not external. Internal is not dependent on where you live, what you drive, or how much money you have. 

BTW, when you start working on becoming the best version of yourself, you’ll stop living for the approval of others and therefore dying when you don’t get it. Instead, you start living by a higher standard, your personal best. 

That’s your new yardstick. Your best.

Before you ask, “how do I know what my best is?” I’d say you already know. There’s not a man in the world who can lie to the guy in the mirror. You KNOW when you stopped at 70% even though other people think you were terrific. You know when you gave it all you had. And THAT is the definition of being the best version of yourself, when you know you gave it everything you had. 

Here are three rules I follow as I try to become the best version of myself.

Do what’s right

Do My Best

Put others first

Do you have a plan to become the best version of yourself? If not, borrow my three rules until you develop your own. But no matter what, set the goal so you can start escaping your life of quiet desperation.

PS

“Get the truth and never sell it; also get wisdom, discipline, and good judgment.” Proverbs 23:23

Be Great at What You Do

 

‘It doesn’t matter what you do; what matters is how you go about doing what you do.”

This quote is from Nick Saban’s book “How Good Do You Want to Be?”. He wrote it after winning the National Championship while he was the head coach at LSU. He won that one in 2003 and he’s added 6 more since he became the head coach at Alabama.  It’s a great book if you want to learn how he does it.

The reason I mention it is Coach Saban is a great example of what it takes to be great at what you do.

But what about you? Do you think about how to be the best at what you do or are you more like Peter from “Office Space” and do just enough to not get fired?

The difference is all about what motivates a guy. Some people think the motivation to be great at what you do comes from external gratification. It’s true there are some benefits to being great at what you do. You’ll stand out in the crowd because competence is so rare these days. Which means you’ll have lots of chances to move up your career ladder or have other job opportunities to choose from because people have heard you’re great at what you do

But the best motivation to be great at what you do is more internal than external. It’s the simple satisfaction of a job well done, of knowing that you did the best you could. It’s an undeniable feeling that is difficult to explain but you know it when you feel it. The feeling is strong enough to make you want to experience it over and over.

But how do you become great at what you do?

It all depends on what your job is, right? Well, not really. I think there are 3 keys to success whether you’re an engineer designing a rocket or the electrician doing the wiring of the rocket

Dee’s Threes
Keys to Success in any Job/Career:

  • Be disciplined
  • Be organized
  • Have a positive attitude

Be Disciplined
This means you do what needs to be done whether you feel like it or not. I’ve had jobs I loved and jobs I hated. Both of them had tasks I didn’t like but had to be done.

Here’s what my favorite TV dad Red Foreman says about this. Click to watch

Be Organized
Most jobs have more to do than you think you have time to do. I work for a company that supplies parts to a major auto manufacturer. They keep such small amounts of raw material that a delay of even one day can shut them down. I have to coordinate the purchasing and deliveries of multiple outside companies to be sure we keep them supplied. It’s a lot to keep up which means I have to be organized. So I:

Write stuff down so I don’t forget.

Keep lists of important information like addresses and points of contact

Develop checklists. To be sure I don’t forget a step that could cause an interruption in the supply chain.

Have a Positive Attitude
Most jobs have days that are better than others. Some customers are better than others. A positive attitude is what makes it impossible to tell which kind of day you’re having or which customer you’re dealing with. A positive attitude is what causes you to say “we can do it” instead of “it can’t be done” when there’s a problem.

Those three keys will help any man be great at what he does.

PRO TIP

If you’re serious about being great at what you do, ask your boss to answer these three questions about your job performance:

What should I STOP doing?

What should I START doing?

What should I CONTINUE doing?

The great thing about wanting to be great at what you do is it’s one of the rare goals that isn’t dependent on others. You get to decide every day to be great at what you do. It doesn’t matter if your boss is a jerk or you’re a street sweeper, it’s your choice whether or not you’re great at what you do.

PS

“Do you see any truly competent workers? They will serve kings rather than working for ordinary people.” Proverbs‬ ‭22:29‬ ‭NLT‬‬

One More Thing

Listen to this song performed by Jimmy Buffet that’s all about being good at what you do. Then check out the interview I did with the guy who wrote the song, Mac McAnally.
What You Missed on Instagram from Playbook for Men